The past few weeks have been quite a learning experience about how the mind can affect the body. My mood plummeted the furthest it has every gone. To whomever stumbles upon this post, before continuing on, please be warned that this post is a personal story about my depression and my efforts to bring myself out of the recent slump.
I got into a situation where a person close to me became furious with what I had done. The real kicker was the fact that everyone else could not figure why that person interpreted my words in such a way. Unable to understand what had gone wrong and knowing that that person would not even try to hear me out, I spiraled down the familiar path of self-harm.
Fortunately, I did not fall down far enough to use a blade, but that didn’t stop me from using other methods to get numerous shallow cuts. I felt constantly tired and frequently got headaches. Despite the physical issues, I am not sure how I managed to be productive enough that only one person was concerned about my behavior.
Normally, I would raise myself through the use of funny pictures, videos, and upbeat music. Not in the mood for music, I tried looking at the content on /r/aww. Surprisingly, my fail-safe actually failed! I couldn’t keep a smile on my face for more than five seconds. I browsed a variety of sites on topics that typically hold my interest. None of them could distract me from the dismal place I was in.
Due to my school-work schedule and transportation methods, I had to go home and be in the same vicinity of that person – sometimes just the two of us. Surprisingly, that person seemed to have let the issue go within two days of blowing up. This didn’t stop me from feeling on edge for a week. Every time I neared the driveway, my mind would race with all sorts of scenarios of what could happen if I said something wrong again.
One of these “predictions” was that I would be estranged and would go on with my life. My father would show up a year later trying to convince me that that person regretted their actions. Not willing to fill up the void with hope, my “future” self started to belt out Demi Lovato’s “Really Don’t Care.”
As fitting as the song was in this fantasy, it will most likely never play out in real life since I do not have the vocal chords to convey the raw power of the lyrics. I can doodle though, so before going to a place where that person was, I would quickly draw some stars and moon crashing into each other.
This method helped raise me enough to act happy around others until I could actually be happy around them. Thankfully, I am now back to a level where I am no longer physically hurting myself and I can enjoy cute pictures and videos of animals again.